Void

Completely empty. 

That is me right now.

My BPD has caused havoc this weekend.
I guess I kinda knew it was on its way. When you’ve got BPD, your life is that of a rollercoaster. Only exception being you can’t get off. 
Like my body, my rollercoaster isn’t in good shape. Any health and safety official would quickly condemn this ride.

I let myself down this weekend. I allowed my tormentors to overpower me.
I’m a good hearted person, but when I’m tormented I guess you could just call me Damien.  I’m not nice to be around. If I hate myself, then others must do right?
I need to shut myself away when I’m like this. However, family and life won’t allow this. So it’s inevitable that pretty soon I’ll just pop.

One thing, surprised me this weekend.
My mind did venture down the dark, unlit path I’ve travelled many many times before. When your walking gingerly on tip toes, arms outstretched infront of you, feeling for a way out. You can not simply ask someone to help you as you’re totally alone.

There is nothing. No light, no sound, no one.

That’s was when I would act upon my suicidal tendencies. There’s no place back in the life I had, there’s nothing in this one so let’s just give up Yeah?

It’s a void.

Emptiness

Nothing

Zilch

What kind of life is that?

This time I stopped dead in my tracks.
I just sat where I was and let my brain rest for awhile.

Now, I’m back in my normal surroundings. Still empty, still a void but a rested void.

So I guess it’s ok to be a void.

My brain was screaming out loud today. I didn’t know how to channel it though. Let’s just say it wasn’t pleasant. But my brain is now thankful, thankful I let it all out. May not be right but it’s all out. Now it’s time to allow my brain some peace. All that stands in the way is others around me. Living with someone who is BPD is far from easy, I know that. But they need to realise it’s ten times harder and more to live with it personally. Everytime I hit my deepest darkest lows, I hate myself. I hit myself, I hurt myself. So I become a nasty person. It’s not who I truly am but the tormentors don’t care.

Happiness Challenged aka Becci Douglas