After reflecting on the week in my new job, I feel not only proud of myself but also incredibly overwhelmed.
Everyone who actually knows me is aware I’ve struggled with mental illness from the age of about 12/13. I still have my moments but I’m a much stronger person these days.
Nobody’s perfect.
Just like the word ‘normal’, perfection doesn’t exist.
I spent a fair few months in a mental institute when I was 18 and probably saw some things that I shouldn’t have at that age.
When I was discharged I made a vow to myself that I would never ever go back. But that was 1999. This week I’ve spent hours sitting in 136 units with young girls and adults. They have much more support available to them in 2016 than I did years ago. This did upset me alittle today as I sat reflecting on this week’s events. If I had the support of today’s world, I wouldn’t have wasted most of my twenties and early thirties stuck in the deep dark hole of depression. But then, I managed to turn my dark thoughts around slightly. I’m a survivor. I’m still here. Much to the annoyance of some. But I’m a success. I’m brave. I’m strong. So I didn’t waste them years at all, it just took me a little longer to find ways of living side by side with depression. I’ll never ever be free from depression. Never. But I refuse to let it swallow me up.
I had second thoughts swimming from my head last Sunday evening as to where I was doing the right thing taking this job. I didn’t share these thoughts with anyone, I very rarely share my thoughts anyway. Even in 2016, people with mental illness are still stigmatised. But, I had to try my hardest. The old Becci wouldn’t even put herself through anything she felt she couldn’t cope with. But I HAVE changed, regardless of those who still put me down. I’m still fighting, I’m still battling with my demons. But boy it’s bloody exhausting that’s for sure. I’ve felt quite emotional today. This had been a big deal for me. But, I’m not so sure those closest to me can see that?
I’m the type of person who likes routine. I’m never usually good with improvisation.,working on my own initiative etc. That’s why being a boring bus driver kinda felt like all I could do career wise. I’ve spent 12 years in that job. It’s a brilliant job for some people, but not for me. That’s why I’ve walked out of the last two jobs I’ve had on the buses. I guess you could say I’ve grown some balls in the last couple of years. Never one to stick up for myself. Let people bully me etc. But this bitch is now awake. I’ll no longer allow people to walk all over me, regardless of who they are, what they do etc. Each and every one of us deserves respect and compassion. There’s too many titles and labels in this world. Unfortunately it’ll never change.
Society is a wicked place. So wicked that there’s some incredibly lovely youngsters and adults out there that feel they have no place in our society. They’re judged, labeled and they shut themselves away. I’ve met some girls this week that do anything in their power to remain detained under a section 2 or 3 so they do not have to face society. Now this cripples me utterly. Everyone needs to realise that we’re not all the same. Some of us are quite unstable. Whether it be clinical depression, circumstantial depression, Bi Polar Disorder, Conversion Disorder, Personality Disorder, I could go on and on. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t lead a life like the rest of us. They deserve to be amongst us. I’m not gonna be able to change this on my own. But I’ll happily bang on about it til the day I die. I’ll do anything I can to help anyone in mental health adapt and cope with everyday struggles. Maybe by spreading the word around, I can change just one persons opinion or conceptions about mental health.
I’m totally exhausted mentally and physically. Long hours and the chats I’ve had with the patients have drained me. However, it’s kind of a good exhaustion. I know I’ve made a difference to at least two girls this week, one even gave me a hug. I wasn’t ashamed to tell them I’m of my battles with mental health. One was shocked that I’d managed to land a decent job. So this was my way of shining a huge ray of light into her own life. She’s only 18 but she can still go far in life. Ether it be this year, next year or in ten years. I’ve showed her that you can overcome the dark days. But I was careful to explain the truth that she may never be totally depression free. It can rear it’s ugly head at any time and it’s usually when you least expect it. But it doesn’t mean your life had to be over. You just have to work out how you can live with it. This can take time, alot of time and this is what sets alot of people back. They often don’t feel that they are making any progress when they are.
What’s quite ironic, these youngsters and adults I’ve met this week are actually helping me also.
I’ve found my calling in life. I’m 34 years old now. I’ve still got lots to give people.i think going into the mental health sector now is the right time. I can cope better these days. I no longer have suicidal tendencies or self harm urges. But I’m still diagnosed with Bi Polar and PD but I can control it better.
Just remember, don’t judge people for the way they are, you don’t know their stories their struggles.
Apologies for any spelling mistakes but my brain has been going a 100mph and I can’t be arsed to correct them.
Happiness Challenged 