Placebo

They say a picture paints a thousands word don’t they? 

Today, my Google Calendar informed me that it’s been approximately a year since I made the decision to come off me medications. So I guess you could say it’s my other birthday today right? Afterall, I do have a split personality. But being a Gemini, it can only get you out of your moody meltdowns for so long. This excuse for my multiple personalities has been overused. 

Anyway, so a whole year undermedicated…..

This isn’t the best decision for everyone and it can be a very dangerous choice too. But I have my personal views on mental health medications. 

I’ve been on and off them since I started to hit my teens. Everything from anti depressants to anti psychotic  drugs to beta blockers for anxiety. In today’s way of life, I honestly think that alot of people are on these drugs and shouldn’t be. 

I’m in no way qualified in medicine but I do have a strong opinion. Don’t we all the right to an opinion? 

Let’s get one thing straight though, this is a personal choice, ditching the meds. So far, so good. A whole year and I haven’t had any major issues. There’s been some bad days. But everybody has  a bad day every now and then. I’m 34 now, and it’s a shame it’s taken this long for me to realise that it’s ok to try new paths. I mean, I’ve been pumped with loads of different medications since I was a teenager. Some have helped, some haven’t. But, because they were prescribed to me, I kinda expected too much. Reality being (for me personally) it’s just a another way for the government to make more and more money because I’ve proved I can cope without medications for the past year. You see, depression and anxiety for some, like me, will never ever leave my life. I’ll always have depression to battle against but 90% of the time now, I can cope. I’ve finally stopped fighting depression and learned to live with it. It’s apart of me, who I am. But I refuse to allow it to swallow me up and control every aspect of my life. On my bad days, I’ll simply try to sleep. Not always easy but if I sleep, I’m not suffering with my deep, dark thoughts. 

My choice to not take medication, is very much my choice. It’s not for everybody, so I’m not recommending it to all. I took a gamble. It has, so far, paid off for me. It’s not something you should do alone. I’m very lucky to have a supportive partner of 14 years and a great family. 

Don’t expect miracles from medications. There’s so many out there and it can take months, sometimes years to find the right balance of meds. 

Just don’t give up. 

Don’t give up. 

Stay strong. 

Reflecting on this week.

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After reflecting on the week in my new job, I feel not only proud of myself but also incredibly overwhelmed. 

Everyone who actually knows me is aware I’ve struggled with mental illness from the age of about 12/13. I still have my moments but I’m a much stronger person these days. 

Nobody’s perfect.

Just like the word ‘normal’, perfection doesn’t exist. 

I spent a fair few months in a mental institute when I was 18 and probably saw some things that I shouldn’t have at that age. 

When I was discharged I made a vow to myself that I would never ever go back. But that was 1999. This week I’ve spent hours sitting in 136 units with young girls and adults. They have much more support available to them in 2016 than I did years ago. This did upset me alittle today as I sat reflecting on this week’s events. If I had the support of today’s world, I wouldn’t have wasted most of my twenties and early thirties stuck in the deep dark hole of depression. But then, I managed to turn my dark thoughts around slightly. I’m a survivor. I’m still here. Much to the annoyance of some. But I’m a success. I’m brave. I’m strong. So I didn’t waste them years at all, it just took me a little longer to find ways of living side by side with depression. I’ll never ever be free from depression. Never. But I refuse to let it swallow me up. 

I had second thoughts swimming from my head last Sunday evening as to where I was doing the right thing taking this job. I didn’t share these thoughts with anyone, I very rarely share my thoughts anyway. Even in 2016, people with mental illness are still stigmatised. But, I had to try my hardest. The old Becci wouldn’t even put herself through anything she felt she couldn’t cope with. But I HAVE changed, regardless of those who still put me down. I’m still fighting, I’m still battling with my demons. But boy it’s bloody exhausting that’s for sure. I’ve felt quite emotional today. This had been a big deal for me. But, I’m not so sure those closest to me can see that? 

I’m the type of person who likes routine. I’m never usually good with improvisation.,working on my own initiative etc. That’s why being a boring bus driver kinda felt like all I could do career wise. I’ve spent 12 years in that job. It’s a brilliant job for some people, but not for me. That’s why I’ve walked out of the last two jobs I’ve had on the buses. I guess you could say I’ve grown some balls in the last couple of years. Never one to stick up for myself. Let people bully me etc. But this bitch is now awake. I’ll no longer allow people to walk all over me, regardless of who they are, what they do etc. Each and every one of us deserves respect and compassion. There’s too many titles and labels in this world. Unfortunately it’ll never change.

 Society is a wicked place. So wicked that there’s some incredibly lovely youngsters and adults out there that feel they have no place in our society. They’re judged, labeled and they shut themselves away. I’ve met some girls this week that do anything in their power to remain detained under a section 2 or 3 so they do not have to face society. Now this cripples me utterly. Everyone needs to realise that we’re not all the same. Some of us are quite unstable. Whether it be clinical depression, circumstantial depression, Bi Polar Disorder, Conversion Disorder, Personality Disorder, I could go on and on. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t  lead a life like the rest of us. They deserve to be amongst us. I’m not gonna be able to change this on my own. But I’ll happily bang on about it til the day I die. I’ll do anything I can to help anyone in mental health adapt and cope with everyday struggles. Maybe by spreading the word around, I can change just one persons opinion or conceptions about mental health. 

I’m totally exhausted mentally and physically. Long hours and the chats I’ve had with the patients have drained me. However, it’s kind of a good exhaustion. I know I’ve made a difference to at least two girls this week, one even gave me a hug. I wasn’t ashamed to tell them I’m of my battles with mental health. One was shocked that I’d managed to land a decent job. So this was my way of shining a huge ray of light into her own life. She’s only 18 but she can still go far in life. Ether it be this year, next year or in ten years. I’ve showed her that you can overcome the dark days. But I was careful to explain the truth that she may never be totally depression free. It can rear it’s ugly head at any time and it’s usually when you least expect it. But it doesn’t mean your life had to be over. You just have to work out how you can live with it. This can take time, alot of time and this is what sets alot of people back. They often don’t  feel that they are making any progress when they are.

What’s  quite ironic, these youngsters and adults I’ve met this week are actually helping me also. 

I’ve found my calling in life. I’m 34 years old now. I’ve still got lots to give people.i think going into the mental health sector now is the right time. I can cope better these days. I no longer have suicidal tendencies or self harm urges. But I’m still diagnosed with Bi Polar and PD but I can control it better. 

Just remember, don’t judge people for the way they are, you don’t know their stories their struggles. 

Apologies for any spelling mistakes but my brain has been going a 100mph and I can’t be arsed to correct them.

A mute.

Sometimes in life it’s best to not say anything.
Sometimes in life it’s best to remain a mute.
Sometimes in life it’s best you’re not heard.

There are many times in life we are all faced with difficult situations through no fault of our own.

It’s these times in life that I feel a failure.

I’m useless at helping others.

My ability to show affection is tainted.

So I remain a mute when I’m probably needed the most.

Tonight will not be a good night.

It’s good to talk.

People have asked me before, what is it like to live with a mental illness? I’ve recently been thinking about this.

Until a few months ago, I would have given the answer that I thought they wanted to hear, or I would have shrugged my shoulders and not really known what to say. I didn’t really know what it was like to live with a mental illness, because my mental illness was my life; it was all I really knew, and I couldn’t imagine life without it.

I had first been diagnosed when I was about 12/13. Although I’m pretty sure I was ill way before this. I had a bad head injury as a toddler, docs have mentioned this could have been a factor for my depression later in life. Anyway, I didn’t know what it was like to live without feelings of self-hatred and a voice in my head that constantly told me why I was inadequate, disgusting, worthless and simply wrong in every way.

I didn’t know it was possible to live without constantly panicking about what I was feeling and how sad I felt, or without having panic attacks and extended periods of time where I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. To ask me what it was like to live with a mental illness was to separate the illness from myself, from my life, as if it was some kind of additional thing. This wasn’t the case. The illness was my life; it seemed that to live without it was to stop living.

If you ask me now, my answer would be different. For me, living with a mental illness that controlled every thought and behaviour was not really living at all. On a good day, I was coping with a mental illness. On a bad day I was unable to cope. At no point was I fully living my life.

Having been controlled by illness for so long, the idea of living a life without it controlling you, is terrifying. It is unknown, unfamiliar and feels impossible. I remember counsellors and psychiatrists talking about recovery, and I remember being terrified of the prospect. I hated being ill, but I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t ill. I didn’t believe it was possible not to be ill. Even as I went through the recovery process, I was waiting for the illness to come back, almost welcoming it back at times, because I didn’t know how to be without it.

But through this period of recovery, I have been extremely blessed with wonderfully patient friends who have helped me see that I deserve, and can have, a life that isn’t controlled by mental illness. I have learnt to express emotion and talk rather than burying everything and taking my anger and sadness out on myself. I have learnt that it is okay not to be okay. It is okay to have good days and bad days and make mistakes and not be perfect.  I have learnt that Becci can have a life.

Recovery is challenging, but it’s worth it.

Recovery is an ongoing process, and it is a hard one. But it is worth it. I am almost 34 years old , and I feel alive for the first time. There are things I can do now that I couldn’t have even imagined doing before. These things aren’t easy, but they are possible, and they are becoming less and less scary.

I can laugh and cry and express myself rather than being too scared to do so. I can make a mistake without needing to self-harm to numb the shame and fear that I felt. I can let people in, and be myself around them without constantly fearing that they are about to run away. I don’t have to suppress every emotion through fear that I might completely fall apart if I let anything out. I can talk about the things I am struggling with without feeling too much guilt, because I have learnt that I have a voice and that I am allowed to use it.

Recovery is painful and scary and full of bumps, but it is worth it. If you are struggling with a mental illness, you aren’t alone, and it doesn’t have to be like this forever. You deserve support. You deserve happiness. You deserve a life.

I will still have bad days and some extremely bad days. I know when these days arrive, as they always do, I’ll say the opposite to everything above. But, good days will follow. They always do.

Happiness Challenged aka Becci Douglas

Who needs meds?

Sometimes I know things that I don’t want to know. Or I may see something that I can’t unsee no matter how bad I want to. Though usually it’s not something I know or see strictly in my mind, but something I feel and see within my heart. That makes it harder to put what I am feeling or seeing into coherent thoughts or to find words to describe what I feel. All I have, is a giant black well of heavy feelings without any logical flow. When it’s like this, I try to remember two things:

1. Feelings are always changing. Whatever it is I am feeling right now, it will always change shape into new fresh feelings. And then those feelings will change. The changing weather patterns inside my heart never stay the same.

2. I am living in a culture where people are conditioned from a young age to turn away from heavy feelings. So my capacity to move into heaviness and know what I don’t want to know and see what I don’t want to see, this is a brave and rebellious act.

There is some peace in the fact that no matter how bad I feel, it won’t last forever. I mean if it did, we’d just throw in the towel wouldn’t we?
However, no matter how massively my heart is ripped apart, I am brave. There, I said it, I AM BRAVE!

I keep reminding myself of that well known quote :

“you can’t have the rainbow without the storm”

I am heartbroken and badass, at once.

I’m pretty sure that’s a superpower.